Too fat, too tall, not rich enough, not young enough, not cultured enough, hyper-shy… Whatever their fixation point, complexes are a vicious circle that must be broken. I have selected five of the most widespread. Experts give us their keys to overcoming shame.
- WEIGHT
Whether we think we are too fat or we really are (for our well-being, our health), the obsession with weight and the hatred of our figure are particularly painful in a society of image where thinness remains a little controversial ideal.
What to do?
Change the perception of your body
- Deconstruct preconceived ideas. “For example, thinness = beauty = health = success. That’s wrong!” says the nutritionist. “Other eras and cultures have seen and still see things completely differently. Everything is better if you’re thin? That’s also wrong! You only have to listen to some people who have lost a lot of weight…”
- Shift your gaze. “The scale does not measure intelligence, health, wonder…”, she insists. Do not embark on diets or excessive sports, but put food and sports at the center of pleasure.
- Try hypnosis, which allows you to let go, and body therapies (dance therapy, psychomotor skills, etc.) to change your perception of your body and work on your posture.
- Get help from a psychologist to try to understand what is behind weight gain and/or the false idea you have of your figure. And to work on accepting your contours, whatever your weight.
2. AGE
It’s hard to grow old in a society that only likes young people. Staying efficient, keeping smooth and (re)plumped contours like in advertising images and social networks… The injunctions are so strong today that we quickly come to suffer from being only what we are and having the age we are. Despite the prowess of aesthetic medicine, we don’t fool people for long, especially ourselves.
What to do? Assume to accept
- Make sure to please yourself: “Everyone has their own tricks to recognize themselves in the mirror,” notes the psychoanalyst. The important thing is to be able to love yourself. To love myself, I have to be salt and pepper, so I get highlights. If you feel better with a little Botox or hyaluronic acid, why not? But above all, you have to get rid of the fact that wrinkles are “bad”, and remember that a face is extremely mobile: there is also the smile, the look…”
- Do some inner work, possibly a short psychotherapy. “Aging is a crisis,” emphasizes the psychoanalyst, “like that of adolescence or midlife. A very rich moment. In Chinese, the word “crisis” is made up of two ideograms: “danger” and “opportunity”. It is an opportunity to reread your life and invent what comes next.”
3. A PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTIC
“You should hide your ears”, “Her grandmother’s whole nose!”, “You still haven’t grown up yet, have you?”. The list is long of little phrases heard in childhood on which a big complex can sediment itself, layer after layer.
What to do?
Go beyond the notion of “defect”
- Distance yourself from the norms. “We live in a society that advocates – even if it denies it – a standardization. However, all sorts of examples show us that a big nose, a bald spot or a small size can be real assets of seduction. Look around you, not just in your mirror and “photoshopped” images!”
- Talk about it to those around you. “But by speaking to people who love you for who you are, Marc Ferrero emphasizes, and that you choose because you know them. Avoid social networks.”
- Do not reject plastic surgery. “It can solve a problem, provided that the apparent symptom does not hide a deeper one, warns the psychologist. Be careful not to enter into an endless quest for perfection.”
- Start a personal reflection, with or without the help of a professional. “Why does this big nose or your small size take on so much importance in your life?” asks Marc Ferrero. “Look for the narcissistic flaw, the killer phrase, the original knot of what today makes you suffer so much.”
- Change perspective. “Think of something other than your complex,” advises the psychologist. Focus on your know-how, compensate.”
4. HYPER-SHYNESS – HIGH SENSITIVITY
Why does the gaze of others make you blush, tremble, sweat, stutter? Why do certain circumstances (too much noise, light, electricity in the air…) make you lose your means?
What to do?
Taming the “too much”
- A therapy that acts on the autonomic nervous system. “Somatic experiencing is the most suitable in cases of trauma,” he suggests,
otherwise EMDR or hypnosis.” - An investigation to elucidate possible family secrets. “Get the elders to talk and write a journal of family traumas,” advises the psychoanalyst. Failing that, embark on psychoanalysis or transgenerational therapy.”
- For the highly sensitive, “arrange your environment and your existence to avoid being permanently subjected to too much stimulation,” indicates the psychoanalyst. “And plan regular breaks away from any sensory stimulation.”
- Regularly say out loud to yourself: “I am very sensitive, it is a quality, I am fine as I am.”
5. THE JOB, THE ORIGINS
“And you, what do you do in life?” Cruel question when what we “do” is not up to what we imagine the other expects, or does not sum up at all what we “are.” So we hesitate, we stammer, sometimes we invent.
What to do? Value who you are
- Change the way you look at yourself and others. “The most thankless jobs are often the most essential,” Marc Ferrero emphasizes. “We saw this clearly during the lockdown, when we also applauded cleaners and garbage collectors. We can turn what we consider a “flaw” into pride – cultivate an accent, value roots, – instead of carrying them like burdens.”
- Remember that you are not just your “social being”, define yourself differently, talk about something else.
- Accept. “For this, work on oneself may be necessary,” emphasizes the psychologist, “perhaps therapy. The sources of a complex, even a social one, are often to be found in childhood. What could our parents (or teachers) have transmitted to us about what a “good situation” is? How much shame did they themselves carry? It is only by re-appropriating one’s history that the unacceptable can become, over time, acceptable.” • Surround yourself well. “Choose your friends, your loves, the people you go out with,” recommends Marc Ferrero. “Avoid associating with those you admire or despise and with whom you have difficulty being yourself.”