Critics

Photo by: Celestine Chua

How many of us are disponible to receive them and to assume them? How many to address them? The second option is surely the easier one compared to the first one.

Some of us have a special pleasure to criticize the others, because in this way they feel good humiliating them. Some critics are beneficial whereas others not. When you are criticized you do not feel comfortable or OK with yourself.

For me to be criticized by someone of the exterior is an unpleasant thing. It is not easy to feel humiliated and neither humble. We all support a limit in such descends of our comfort zone. We do not feel good at all.

Maybe for some seconds we feel that the world has crushed down with us and made a hole. We search for it to hide there from the adversary in front of us. We find it with relief and we try to cringe humiliated. It is difficult to come back to the normal state. You are psychically shook and this hurts. It is a pain which you believe that you have supported it for many years, sometimes it lasted an eternity, even if only some seconds have gone since the incident. You shake the dust from you, which you collected from your fall. You are dirty, you feel besprinkled with mud. Maybe a dirt you did not deserve, for other times it was far too much, more than you could take. It is difficult, and increasingly difficult.

You try to balance yourself, you oscillate, you struggle. You come back but not to the surface. You hardly try to climb and to get back to the light. You stood there an eternity and the light from the outside glares you. You open your eyes heavily and try to adapt to luminosity. You twinkle often and then rarely finally you adapt.

You go, you step slowly… You are frightened that you might be discovered. Looking next to you assure yourself that everything is OK, you feel uncomfortable with yourself and the situation in which you are. You still need some seconds to recover a bit more… You are still confused…

There are still some seconds running. You try to make yourself comfortable with your situation and step by step by adapting to it you try to accept yourself and you do not understand fully what is happening to you. You seem to pass an obstacle, you bother to pass it, to understand yourself. Your state is hurting you, it is still vivant there. Maybe you lived the struggle too tragically, it is too dramatically.

Maybe I perceive it too tough? Maybe others feel the same way when they are in the same situation like me? Am I too sensitive? Yes, I think it is this way. In some seconds, minutes, hours and even days I relive those moments and they are still vivid in me. They hurt me on the inside. I am still not comfortable and I hardly try to exit this state. My interior constitution is weak. I take care to not destroy it at all because I can only heavily reconstruct it. The restoration is expensive and durable.

I try consolidate a wall of defense. It is my shield against the exterior world. I try to keep it as far as possible from exterior vibrations. Sometimes I make it other times not. And this because I do not want to be criticized to much or that something is not OK with me.

I think how I am and if my remarks addressed to the people around me they take as criticism. Maybe they also feel hurt by hearing what I say. Maybe only I do not realize this. I do not want to make a bad image, I control everything till a limit. I do not want to make the others to suffer, because I do not want make them live what I feel on the interior. I try, I adapt, I readapt but I am still a human being…

 

 

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